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COMPASS MAGAZINE, February 2002.

Cross-Cultural Dating and Marriage

Translated by Sharon Yang

With Taiwan's focus on internationalization, including its recent entry into the WTO, foreigners are arriving and staying on the island in larger numbers. In addition, an increasing percentage of the local population has spent some time abroad for work and study, and has been exposed to other cultures. Thus, it is inevitable that foreigners and locals will have more and more opportunities to mix and, perhaps, even fall in love.

For the "Love Edition", we interviewed several cross-cultural couples and asked them about the advantages and drawbacks of dating or marrying someone from another culture.

Most of the couples we interviewed met in Taiwan. Karl Smith and his wife, Cynthia Chang, met when they taught together in a kindergarten. Andy Town and his fiance, Michelle Wu, also met while working together in a language school. But, two of our couples met outside of Taiwan. Chi Lu met his wife, Lynda, a member of the aboriginal Maori culture, at a church in New Zealand. Janine and Damao Chu met in Janine's native South Africa.

For most of our couples, falling in love was a slow process. Justin Richardson and Naomi Chen, a Canadian-born Chinese, met at her 27th birthday party. Says Naomi: "I didn't really notice him until later, when a mutual friend set up a dinner. We were thrown together a couple times so I finally decided to take fate into my own hands."

Michael Blayden and Jessie Lee fell in love when Michael had a health scare. After taking care of Michael in the hospital for a week, the relationship between them gradually developed. For Donna Campbell and Yowie Chen, it definitely was not love at first sight. Donna says that one of the first things Yowie said to her was, "You smoke too much". At first she thought he was rude but, after chatting a bit, they decided to start a language exchange. But, when Janine and Damao Chu met, after Damao had been working in South Africa for six months, they immediately became interested in each other.

During the interview, these seven couples were asked about the most rewarding and most difficult cross-cultural aspects of their relationship. Justin Richardson mentioned that learning more about Chinese culture is a real benefit. In addition, having a girlfriend that speaks Chinese helps a lot.

Chi and Lynda Lu share this opinion, saying that "cross-cultural relationships give you the opportunity to get a taste of one another's cultures". Michelle Wu says that having a foreign boyfriend has given her insight into another culture. She adds that "having different ideas and views makes life more interesting".

Admits Michelle's fiance Andy: "Before I met Michelle, I didn't feel particularly comfortable living in Taiwan. Unable to read Chinese characters, I felt frustrated and had the feeling I was missing out on so much. I also often found myself criticizing the Taiwanese and their lifestyle largely due to a lack of understanding on my part of their culture. Being with Michelle, though, has opened my eyes. I feel a lot more comfortable living here now."

As far as the drawbacks, Janine Chu says that it has been very difficult to adjust to living in a foreign country. For many cross-cultural couples, the uncertainty of future plans, like which country they will live in, can be difficult. Michael Blayden says, "I really love living in Taiwan. Jessie and I plan to make our home here. We might go back to the United States someday but, for now, we are both very happy here."

Andy Town adds that, "At the beginning, Michelle didn't think I would stay in Taiwan on a long-term basis, and there was no way that she'd leave her family and move to England with me."

Another drawback can be misunderstandings influenced by differences in cultural backgrounds. As Donna Campbell mentioned, these can be even more serious if the misunderstandings extend to your partner's family. Or, as Karl Smith explains, "There are some issues about obligations--family versus job, job versus friends. But, I believe the same issues occur in most marriages, even when both partners are from the same culture."

Another question we asked was, "Have your friends and family supported or objected to this relationship? If they objected, how have you coped?" On the foreign side, most families were quite open and supportive. Lynda Lu answered, "My family really didn't care as long as he looked after me. In fact, they liked the idea that he was Chinese as the Chinese culture, like the Maori culture, is family-oriented." Karl Smith says that his family "adores my wife, even taking her side on various disagreements".

On the Chinese side, there have been more concerns about whether a cross-cultural relationship would last. Andy Town says, "Michelle's family was initially a little concerned that she was dating a Western man. I think they thought the relationship wouldn't last and I'd eventually return to England. They now trust me and I have a very good relationship with all of the members of her family."

Cynthia Chang's parents were very skeptical about her marriage to Karl. They believed that foreign men were all womanizers and placed little importance on the sanctity of marriage. But, they were finally won over by Karl's polite and respectful attitude toward them. Michael Blayden recalls, "Jessie's parents were a bit shocked to meet me the first time, but we get along together very well now. Jessie's dad and I enjoy drinking a bit of wine together at dinner time."

Damao and Janine Chu, on the other hand, had to work hard to win over both families, as there was much doubt among their parents that their marriage would work. But, it was this doubt that pushed them to work hard at their relationship and now, after 10 years, they have everyone's support and blessing. They say that it was the support of their friends, rather than their families, that helped them through the tough times.

Finally, we asked, "What advice do you have for other cross-cultural couples?" Justin Richardson replies, "Be prepared to take time and make an effort to join in with family life. Always try to be understanding towards your partner's culture. Learn about the good differences you see, not the things you think are bad. Remember, every culture is different." Damao Chu notes that "it is difficult for an Eastern man to marry outside of his culture. You have to compromise a lot. You have to really get to know her, and her background and culture". Damao's wife, Janine, adds, "Definitely learn all about each other's cultures and accept it; don't try to change it. It won't be an easy road but, if you hang in there, it will prove to be very rewarding."

Michelle Wu advises that "you should take the opportunity to visit your partner's home country to meet his friends and family. That will build understanding between you". Chi and Lynda Lu encourage couples to "go for it" while at the same time admitting that there are major differences. They maintain that it is important to be open-minded. Donna Campbell admits that marrying outside of her culture is harder than she ever imagined. She feels that "the only way the relationship will work is if you're willing to accept and understand each other's inevitably different viewpoints".